Reality Check

So I pretty much whined my way thru yesterday's blog. Just so you know, while I am apologizing for that, I will not invalidate my own feelings by saying I was out of line.

HOWEVER, Had a meeting today at school about Little Darling and trying to get her on a more academically stable footing. Bio-Mom was conference called in on it. (Yes, one must remember that if I have to ask her permission to get bangs cut, you KNOW that she has to be in on these meetings.) And while I really can not and will not get into the specifics of Little Darlings history, I will say this; Shit. I really have to remember to take about 10 steps back and look at the whole picture before pulling out my hair.

This does not mean that I will excuse bad behavior or not hold her accountable; that would only damage her further. However, I will remember that I need to measure the steps forward, not the steps back as one day, if we keep at it, they might start to even out.

So my lesson for all of us today is this; hug your kids, don't worry about when they roll their eyes at you, and remember that on your worst mom day, you are still dong a great job.

Deep, cleansing breath................

I knew that foster parenting would be difficult; that is would test me, my family, my relationships. I knew this probably better than most would suspect. I am a step mother to a son I have had full charge of since he was 9 and his mother started with her own bad choices. I have a beloved niece who lived with us her senior year in high school who went thru some really tough times and just didn’t feel like she had a place to belong. I understand the torn loyalties of children who are happy in the normal chaos that is my family life and the parents that they love. It is not the first time that I have experienced the “but my mom let’s me” moments in which I have to bite my tongue but really want to scream out, if they are so great, then why are you here. It is not the first time that I have had to comfort when the other adult in their lives have disappointed. It is not the first time I have fought battles in my home. But this time I feel that it is just not going to matter. Little Darling is not going to allow herself to be happy. It is a wall that I keep butting my head against praying that I chip a little off of, but I am only seeing my own black eyes and cuts and bruises....... on myself and those around me.

I know that I am handling this whole thing wrong. I have told myself to not take words personally. I am aware that she is self sabotaging. I understand all that. I just don’t know that I have the wherewithal to look past it. And as self pitting as this sounds (and yes I am aware that I sound like I am whining) I am really disappointed in myself that I am have such difficulties with it. I know this about myself; I am a nurturer, a fixer, I try to learn from my mistakes, a person who avoids conflict. Little Darling is concerned about herself, does not go out of her way to show empathy or sympathy, uses her life experiences as an excuse and is ALL ABOUT conflict. She goes out of her way to be disagreeable. It is not like it is all bad, but after 2 months, I was hoping that there would be a little ray of hope, nothing big, just a sign that things could be better.

We were asked a couple weeks ago, if the girls came up for adoption, (which they probably would not) would we take them and the sad answer was Little Pixie, yes, Little Darling, we just don’t know. And just so you know, that means that we would not get either of them. It is a two for one package deal. But the most interesting part of that conversation was that the case worker didn’t think Little Darling would even want to be adopted; she was to attached her her parents and by the time the adoption would come about, she would be old enough to chose not to be adopted. Which goes to not winning a war I am shedding tears and blood in. Listen, I know that she is young, I know that she is angry, I know she is confused, I know that I need to be the bigger person and adult. However it is hard to be the bigger person when you keep getting cut off at the knees.

Not to worry though, in the meantime, I will continue to draw up battle plans and try and outwit my opponent. It think I can, I think I can, I think I can............

The Sauce Is Always Better With Time........

Those of you who do any cooking of ANY Italian food know the one true fact of sauce recipes; It is ALWAYS better the second day. Time has a way of blending the seasonings together so that they work better as a unit. Well, let me tell you, instant families are much the same.

Thank you to all who sent me encouragement, love and prayers after my last blog entry. They were much needed and appreciated and I am happy to report that, after a little extra time, lots of quarters, an episode of Supper Nanny and yes, I am not ashamed to admit, a bottle or two of wine, things are coming together.

It all really came to a head the day after my last blog entry. It got pretty ugly inside my head and I really had made the decision that there may need to be a personnel change in the house. However, those who have doubts as to whether God sends a little help and guidance when you really need it are fooling themselves. But what you have to remember, is that the Almighty truly does have a twisted sense of humor! The weekend of the before mentioned tipping point was also a weekend that my husband and partner in this adventure, had to go out of town on business. Knowing that things were challenging at home, he was checking in a lot and well abreast of the boiling pot at home. We had decided to really sit down once he got home and really examine what our wants and needs were and what was best for the future of our family. We really felt over our heads. Well imagine my surprise when he walked thru the door with a new plan and attitude. Now don't laugh, at least not to hard, but it would seem that God saw fit to delay my husbands flight and while he was waiting in the hotel room, what show caught his eye but.......yes, the Supper Nanny. Having never watched the show before, he saw that Nanny herself was dealing with an extremely willful child. This got him thinking and by the time he came home, he was a man with a plan.

Now let me set the stage. ( I know that I promised not to tell on my Little Darling, but you really have to be able to appreciate the atmosphere in which the drama takes place.) First you must know that Little Darling and my husband have been waging a Cold War for about two weeks. To explain this would take more time than you have interest, just know that it was happening. My hubby came home from a business trip on Sunday afternoon and upon walking in, he received a warm welcome from the Little Pixie (my youngest) and my Peanut, ( our biological child) and of course a warm welcome from yours truly. HOWEVER, Little Darling got up from the coach, walked right by him, did not make eye contact and walked into the kitchen then opening the cupboard door and looking for a snack. If this was the Victorian England Era, I would say that it was a perfectly executed cut direct. Even the East German Judge could not dispute its perfection. So Hubby, armed with the yet to be disclosed to me new supper knowledge from Supper Nanny, proceeds to take her into the living room for a heart to heart. In all seriousness, it does go to show you what a little distance and divine intervention can do for your perspective. By the end of the conversation (most of which I was not privy to) de-taunt was not only achieved, but a serious peace treaty was reached. Little Darling would have a calendar placed in her room along with a jar. For every day that she was able to hold her defiance in check she received a check on the calendar and $.50 in her jar. At the end of the month, they would go and open a savings account and she could start saving for her Holly Grail, the I-Pod touch. Latter added, was a reward of one song off I-Tunes each Saturday if the entire week was filled with checks.

I have ALWAYS been a great fan of the behavior chart. I think it goes back to my 1st grade experience when I earned a hamster by staying put in my seat at school. (Apparently, this was an issue....)I have used them for every child I have had and why I did not think of it, I will never know. It must be because God knew that Hubby was the finally ingredient that needed to be adjusted to make the sauce come together.

So almost two weeks in, it is going VERY well. Keep in mind, I am not looking for perfection; I am a firm believer in realistic expectations. All I needed was the opportunity to show her what a "normal" (using the word loosely) family experience was like. What it is to respect others feeling, occasionally choose words carefully, DECIDE what is worth fighting over and what is being fought over just for the sake of the fight. Most importantly, a chance to show her what great things happen naturally, when you do show that kindness and respect to your family members.

Now, I am aware that the novelty of this will where off so we are already thinking of ways to stay one step ahead of Little Darling. So before the sauce gets to old and turns, we are setting things in place to try and preserve it. But in the mean time, the family is enjoying a period of tranquil chaos that is our "normal" existence. As for looking further down the road to the permanent family members we hope to have one day. Well, forget about it for now. Little Pixie and Little Darling have wormed there way into the family and into our hearts so we will keep them close while we have them and when it is time for them to go "home", well.................. hopefully God will be looking out for them and us then too.

Until next week.

A Tale of Two Girls

Sigh. I really must say that I have been avoiding my computer and this blog almost as much as I avoid my bathroom scale; one because I am don't want to see what is says to me and the other because I just am not sure what to say in it

Things have been tough. I am not going to lie. I knew it would be, I thought I was prepared for it and I thought I prepared those around me for it. But as it is with most things in life, until you walk it you just don't get it.

Now, not everything has been bad. I really want to mention that. I guess one of the reasons that I started this blog was on the off chance someone was surfing the net and just was looking for some perspective on the process. If that person chances upon this, please do not be frightened off. PLEASE, because there are so many children who need a home.

However, when you start a segment with "not everything has been bad," it usually means that there have been some big challenges. I now have 3 girls living at home, 2 of which are new to the family and despite the title of this blog, I will not be comparing and contrasting the behavior or personalities of those two girls. That would be mean and unfair. Instead, I will be trying to objectively critique my reaction to each of them.

Anyone who knows me, I think (or hope) would agree that I have a lot of patience, a good share of compassion, a healthy amount of stubbornness and quite a bit of tenacity. I do like a challenge. Both of my girls make quite a bit of use of all of these traits. However, I have my fathers temper, one he used to use a bathtub analogy for; The facet drips, drips and drips into the plugged tub with each questionable behavior and while it take a while to fill up, eventually, the tub will overflow. When that happens, duck. Really, get out of the way. (It must be noted that my brother once asked him if he could just pull the plug and make room for more water.....Got to love the way my brother thinks.)

It will come as no big surprise to know that foster children, almost by definition, come with emotional baggage. Like any other group of people, some will use this to push forward and over come and some will use it as an excuse for behavior that they choose. I have one of each of those. Both of my girls really miss their parents. Parents do not have to be good to be loved and ALL children WANT to think the best of their parents and they WANT to love them. Both of my girls have experienced loss. One is a little older and understand loss more, but they both have had this experience. Both of my girls have been bounce from relative to relative this year. Yet as it is with any two people, we all react to experiences differently.

My young girl is fairly well adjusted, all things considered. Is she perfect; NO, she is 6! She has her own set of issues that are a challenge, but one that my family and I can definitely take on.

Unfortunately, my 12 year old is a different story and my bathtub is starting to overflow like a release from the Hoover Dam. The unfortunate thing about that is that, once you reach your threshold, it really doesn't take much to cause the overflow.

We have had some very significant behavioral problems with my middle child. One's that we should have been made aware of BEFORE she came to us and formed attachments. Now do not worry that we will be on the TODAY show, stabbed in our bed or house burnt down or anything like that. We are having defiance issues. Before you can think it, no, they far surpass the normal pre-teen girl angst. I have started living on an emotional roller coaster that Cedar Point would be envious of. There is NOTHING that she will not fight me on. I have handled difficult children before but WOW. However, I am digressing and going where I said I would not go.

The problem I am having is my reaction to both the girls. As much as I love little children, my youngest really seemed to take to my husband at first and that was great. And regardless of the movie moment my husband and the 12 year old had that first morning, she and I seemed to hit it off and she and I could communicate pretty well. (After all I, was a Communication major! It had to pay off some time.) After what has turned out to be the longest month in recent memory, things are different. Little one and I are working well together and developing a true connection. She is really blossoming in our home; school is going great, she is making friends, settling into the house hold very well. Unfortunately, the same can not be said for my middle child. I am starting to really reconsider our decision to open out hearts to her. I feel that I have aged, I definitely am having a crisis of confidence in my parenting skills and worse of all, I am starting to think that she is damaging our family unit; Something I swore I would not put up with.

So now I am in the sickening position of trying to decide if need to attempt to split the girls up and ask if a new home can be found for my 12 year old. And yes, I feel sick about it. Truly soul damaging sick about it because I KNOW, that the best chance she has for any type of future is to stay in a household similar to mine. One where there are people who will check on school work every day, and that will stay up with her to finish it. One where she will be cuddled when her parents break a promise and who will call her out on her crap when she uses that disappointment to excuse very bad behavior. I really thought I was that person. But when I started trying to pick my words so as to not cause ANOTHER confrontation and bending my own parenting rule because I want the vibe in the house calm and quiet enough to get everyone else to bed at night, I really started to question my ability to handle her. For example, I let her play a computer game for almost 5 hour tonight simple because after a full day of taking her on, I really just was to tired to go thru the pulling the plug out of the wall fight AGAIN. Now come on parents, who does this?! NOT ME! I break out board games, order movies, walk around the block and any other number of tactics to redirect attention. When that fails, I just say NO, after all, I am the parent, right?!?! This is not me and that scares me. Plus, what kind of message does this send to my other two, "Drive Mom crazy enough and she will leave to do what you want, when you want!" Yea, great, Dr Spock would be so proud.

I thing that what makes it so bad it that I know what she has gone thru and I know that there are a few pretty good reasons for her to be testing us like this, but how do you react to someone who refuses to admit when they are wrong and openly defies you at every turn. And at what point to you start to put the needs of yourself and your existing family above that of a child in need and in crisis. I want to help her. I want to make a POSITIVE impact on her life. But I am not sure that I can without damaging what I already have as well as dismantling our actual goal of finding someone to PERMANENTLY add to our family. As mercenary as it sounds, the longer she is her, the longer we have to put off our search for someone who needs a forever family. And lets not forget my little one. She needs time away from her sister, she really does. Once again, I will not tattle, but they need some distance.

So I guess I will be calling the workers again this week and weighing our options. The problem is, I am not sure how I will live with myself if I give up....... now who is being overly dramatic.

Sigh.......................................................................

Time, Time, Time, What has become of thee...?

First I must apologize, again, for the lapse in between posts. A funny thing happened, I have two more people in the house!

So much has happened and there is so much to talk about that I will put most of it off and instead discuss my newly thought out views on why it takes a full 18-21 years to raise a child.

About 3 1/2 years ago, a dear friend of mine adopted a newborn daughter. She and her husband already had a son but had difficulties adding to the family and so decided to adopt. Much like us, they spent months filling out paper work, getting checks done and jumping thru countless hoops only to then sit and wait for the call. When the call came, it was literally to come to the hospital, meet the baby and take her home the next day and at the time, I remember thinking wow! So much to do and so much to adjust to. There is a reason that God gives us 9 months to get ready for infants! Well, guess what, there is a reason that God gives up 5 years to get ready to send our kids to school!

We picked up our new girls on Tuesday and I had them enrolled in school by Thursday. In that 48 hour period of time I: picked up, went thru and organized there life's paper work, registered them on line, went to the district office to continue to register them there, went to the school and finished up there, bought school supplies, school clothes, set them up for the lunch program (more paperwork and thanks to the government, it is still not finished) and get them school tours (two different schools). Additionally, I fought with the transportation department because they did not think it was a bad thing to a) give me the wrong address for the bus stop and b) move up the drop off time by 10 minutes and not tell anyone. My 1st grader who had lived with us for less then 2 days went to get off the bus and we were not there. Thankfully, she told the bus driver that she had no idea how to get home. They end up calling my cell phone to ask why I was not at the bus stop to pick up my child. SO, do you THINK that I was irate! But, hey, water under the bridge. Everyone is in school and good to go, so I should be able to breath, right?

Hah! Keep dreaming! Now we are on to level two on the lists of priorities I must accomplish. Now I must do ALL the laundry that they brought including washing any toys etc. I must mention, that both my girls had been staying with relatives and had a lot of stuff. Most did not fit, hey , according to the workers, they were situated. HMMMMM...... different definitions, obviously. So, 4 days in I am still up to my eye balls in laundry as my machine has decided to break, my house looks like a hurricane hit it and the "honeymoon" ends. I have a sleep walking 1st grader who starts crying at midnight. This is fine, as it gives me a chance to stretch my mommy muscles some, however by Saturday I felt like a truck hit me. I swear, I have not been that tired since my Peanut was an infant! And of course, did I mention that I have an additional hormonal preteen girl in the house now? So much drama!!!! My poor husband............

But over all, we all start to settle in well and get into a routine. Great, right? NOT! Lets just say I am starting to dread the calls and e-mails from the social worker. They all seemn to start with, "somthing important you need to do"; I now have weekly therapist appointments for the two girls, visitation appointments with their parents, phone calls to schedule, dentist appointments that must be made, optomistrsts to find, permission to be gain to get hair cuts, (yes you have to ask the biological parents if it is okay to get a hair cut) and the list goes on. It really brings home the fact that we are simply guardians of these children. Four days in, we did receive word that reunification was imminent. Oh yea, and by the way, I do have to make time for my other two children and teach karate at night. (Which thankfully our new children love)

Now, you people who have been blessed with large families are laughing at me right now, and justifiably so. But it brings me back to my earlier point of having prep time. 9 months for a baby, a life time for you children. Because while playing catch up with all the material and physical stuff that must get done, you are trying to build a relationship, sense of trust, a bond of some sort, not to mention just figuring out what kind of snacks they like in their lunch.

So yes, I am still REALLY tired. But not always in a bad way. I get to play with crayons and read bedtime stories again, I get to share my love of reading with someone who really did not like it at all, and I get to be a hero and let my oldest think she is getting away with something because I let her sneak downstairs after bedtime with me to watch her favorite TV show. Little do they all know that those little things probably make me happier then them.

Well, I guess that brings me back to the title of my piece to day, Time..... I think that with all the involvement the State and Federal Government now has in my life, that the least they could do is extend the 24 hour day to 30. At least I will only be a little bit behind then. But until then, I will just stock up on Diet Coke and enjoy my new bedtime.....mid-nightish.

I will post again soon. REALLY! Thanks again for all the well wishes and support.

We only went to meet them..........

Really, we did. Honestly, my hubby and I planned, developed strategies, put together lists of questions and steeled out hearts. Really, we did.

Yes, we came home with the girls.

It was a done deal from the moment the oldest made eye contact with my hubby. Hollywood could not written the scene any better. There we were in the waiting room of the Department of Human Services, waiting for the social worker to come get us and for the girls to show up. I am searching for the worker and my husband was sitting there. Then a little blond head peaked around a pole, made eye contact with cute hazel eyes and smiled. Now we did ask the right questions and tried to stay objective, but really, that was it. Thankfully, my Peanut is REALLY happy about this and the 3 of them are in a beautiful honeymoon period of bliss.

So I am going to keep this entry short as I have a GILLION things to get accomplished before the night ends for me. This will be a long and interesting week so please keep us in your prayers!

Blog at you all tomorrow,
ET

And we're off.........................

So, first I have to thank everyone for the most encouraging notes! Sometimes in our lonely cyber world, it is easy to forget just how many friends you have. And really, it is all of you that will make this adventure easier and a little less daunting.

So with that said, we have a meeting. Yes, we are off to meet our two girls on Tuesday. I must say, I am doing EVERYTHING possible to keep my expectation grounded. This is not easy. Let me just say, when you go for foster parenting training (yes, there is training) they do all they possibly can to hammer it into our heads that we absolutely, positively will not have an Orphan Annie, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", experience. They are relentless about it and truly, while they are so grateful to have you there, they do nearly everything they can to scare you off. I guess it is the prepare for the worst, hope for the best theory on steroids. However, while I know that I need to stay grounded lower then the Grand Canyon, I can't help but day dream just a little.......

Along those lines, I must say, that while this manor of enhancing and expanding a family may be a little different, I am noticing more than a few similarities to the other two time I was getting ready to become a parent. The most glaring one right this minute is NESTING! I don't care how you are bringing a child into a family or what kind of family it is, this is turning out to be a universal for me.

When I was getting married and my (step) son was going to be my son full time, what did I do? Paint his room, rearrange the house, bought furniture, new linens, stuffed animals and books, pictures......... I was going to have a great space for him to grow up in!

When I found out I was pregnant with my Peanut, once again, off to the races! Picked out boarder, paint, motifs, and all the baby stuff I could muster. Once again, I was going to have a great space for her to grow up in.

Well, once again, here I am. I painted, rearranged, rearranged again, and again. I think all the rearranging was because there is little else to do. Going into it, I had no idea the sex, age, likes etc of the child or children that we would be bringing into our home (or frankly the permanency of the arrangement) So I keep shifting stuff around, adding, subtracting and once again, rearranging. But in the mist of all of it, it does give me a chance to reflect. (And plan revenge on my family that keeps making fun of me for rearranging AGAIN) In those reflections, I think this is what I have come up with; nesting is my way taking a break from all the worry of the enormity of impending parenthood and focus on the fun things to come. It is a moment to not think about character development but about crafts at the kitchen table. It is a moment to table college funds and think about pictures on the first day of school and where to hang them. Most importantly, it is a chance to forget about the overwhelming lifetime commitment you are making and focus on the here and now and joy of it. I think that this is universal to all parents, all of us. It is a moment when anything and everything is possible and the future is just that, the future.

So this weekend, I will ONCE AGAIN, be rearranging the bedrooms and shuffling furniture. I will be trying to be practical all the while, day dreaming about the future. Who knows, the children may not like us, we may not think they are a good fit, it all may come crashing down around our heads come Tuesday. But this Labor Day weekend, it is all about nesting....... and possibilities.

See you Tuesday!

Taking the plunge

Well, everyone has heard the expression "be careful what you wish for." Yep, there is a reason that everyone has heard it; it is TRUE!

But I get ahead of myself. Let me introduce myself. I am ET and after 16 years of wedded bliss (really), two wonderful children I could not be prouder of but keep me on my toes, a wonderful husband, (who also keeps me on my toes) and a growing Karate school, my family and I have decided to pursuit a life long goal of foster parenting with the hope of adopting. Now I would keep introducing myself but I figure that there will be days that there is not a lot to talk about (becoming a foster parent is a lot of hurry up and wait) so I will save more about me for later posts.

My husband and I decided on Valentine's Day of this year that we were going to explore foster care to adopt. So, we found an agency, went to our orientation class, filled out SOOOO MUUUUCH PAAAAPER WOOOORK, took the classes, had the inspection, passed the the background check, and FINALLY began the wait. And yes there was a wait. Our oldest son has moved out but we do have a 13 year old daughter at home and so, as responsible parents, we do have some parameters as to the age and type of child that we feel will be a good fit for the family. We have had to say no to a few children and I will absolutely tell you that it does break your heart. Some people really are no good, and I don't mean the children. But, today we got the call for two girls that we think may be a good fit. After much discussion and questions and phone calls, we let the agency know that we would really love to meet the girls. So once again, it is time to wait, this time to see if they want to meet us. Waiting....Sigh......

So on the advice of my best friend who writes a great blog of her own (http://mommyupgrade.com/), I decided that I should write about our upcomming adventure; the good, the bad and the awesome. I say that because I truly believe that this is going to be difficult and challenging road, but ultimately we are going to add a member or two to our family and that it really is going to be, well, AWESOME! So maybe a few people will read this, maybe it will just be a wonderful journal (a kind of baby book persay) of the expansion of our family. Who knows? But I guess this means I will see you tomorrow, hopefully with a date to meet our first foster children!