A Tale of Two Girls

Sigh. I really must say that I have been avoiding my computer and this blog almost as much as I avoid my bathroom scale; one because I am don't want to see what is says to me and the other because I just am not sure what to say in it

Things have been tough. I am not going to lie. I knew it would be, I thought I was prepared for it and I thought I prepared those around me for it. But as it is with most things in life, until you walk it you just don't get it.

Now, not everything has been bad. I really want to mention that. I guess one of the reasons that I started this blog was on the off chance someone was surfing the net and just was looking for some perspective on the process. If that person chances upon this, please do not be frightened off. PLEASE, because there are so many children who need a home.

However, when you start a segment with "not everything has been bad," it usually means that there have been some big challenges. I now have 3 girls living at home, 2 of which are new to the family and despite the title of this blog, I will not be comparing and contrasting the behavior or personalities of those two girls. That would be mean and unfair. Instead, I will be trying to objectively critique my reaction to each of them.

Anyone who knows me, I think (or hope) would agree that I have a lot of patience, a good share of compassion, a healthy amount of stubbornness and quite a bit of tenacity. I do like a challenge. Both of my girls make quite a bit of use of all of these traits. However, I have my fathers temper, one he used to use a bathtub analogy for; The facet drips, drips and drips into the plugged tub with each questionable behavior and while it take a while to fill up, eventually, the tub will overflow. When that happens, duck. Really, get out of the way. (It must be noted that my brother once asked him if he could just pull the plug and make room for more water.....Got to love the way my brother thinks.)

It will come as no big surprise to know that foster children, almost by definition, come with emotional baggage. Like any other group of people, some will use this to push forward and over come and some will use it as an excuse for behavior that they choose. I have one of each of those. Both of my girls really miss their parents. Parents do not have to be good to be loved and ALL children WANT to think the best of their parents and they WANT to love them. Both of my girls have experienced loss. One is a little older and understand loss more, but they both have had this experience. Both of my girls have been bounce from relative to relative this year. Yet as it is with any two people, we all react to experiences differently.

My young girl is fairly well adjusted, all things considered. Is she perfect; NO, she is 6! She has her own set of issues that are a challenge, but one that my family and I can definitely take on.

Unfortunately, my 12 year old is a different story and my bathtub is starting to overflow like a release from the Hoover Dam. The unfortunate thing about that is that, once you reach your threshold, it really doesn't take much to cause the overflow.

We have had some very significant behavioral problems with my middle child. One's that we should have been made aware of BEFORE she came to us and formed attachments. Now do not worry that we will be on the TODAY show, stabbed in our bed or house burnt down or anything like that. We are having defiance issues. Before you can think it, no, they far surpass the normal pre-teen girl angst. I have started living on an emotional roller coaster that Cedar Point would be envious of. There is NOTHING that she will not fight me on. I have handled difficult children before but WOW. However, I am digressing and going where I said I would not go.

The problem I am having is my reaction to both the girls. As much as I love little children, my youngest really seemed to take to my husband at first and that was great. And regardless of the movie moment my husband and the 12 year old had that first morning, she and I seemed to hit it off and she and I could communicate pretty well. (After all I, was a Communication major! It had to pay off some time.) After what has turned out to be the longest month in recent memory, things are different. Little one and I are working well together and developing a true connection. She is really blossoming in our home; school is going great, she is making friends, settling into the house hold very well. Unfortunately, the same can not be said for my middle child. I am starting to really reconsider our decision to open out hearts to her. I feel that I have aged, I definitely am having a crisis of confidence in my parenting skills and worse of all, I am starting to think that she is damaging our family unit; Something I swore I would not put up with.

So now I am in the sickening position of trying to decide if need to attempt to split the girls up and ask if a new home can be found for my 12 year old. And yes, I feel sick about it. Truly soul damaging sick about it because I KNOW, that the best chance she has for any type of future is to stay in a household similar to mine. One where there are people who will check on school work every day, and that will stay up with her to finish it. One where she will be cuddled when her parents break a promise and who will call her out on her crap when she uses that disappointment to excuse very bad behavior. I really thought I was that person. But when I started trying to pick my words so as to not cause ANOTHER confrontation and bending my own parenting rule because I want the vibe in the house calm and quiet enough to get everyone else to bed at night, I really started to question my ability to handle her. For example, I let her play a computer game for almost 5 hour tonight simple because after a full day of taking her on, I really just was to tired to go thru the pulling the plug out of the wall fight AGAIN. Now come on parents, who does this?! NOT ME! I break out board games, order movies, walk around the block and any other number of tactics to redirect attention. When that fails, I just say NO, after all, I am the parent, right?!?! This is not me and that scares me. Plus, what kind of message does this send to my other two, "Drive Mom crazy enough and she will leave to do what you want, when you want!" Yea, great, Dr Spock would be so proud.

I thing that what makes it so bad it that I know what she has gone thru and I know that there are a few pretty good reasons for her to be testing us like this, but how do you react to someone who refuses to admit when they are wrong and openly defies you at every turn. And at what point to you start to put the needs of yourself and your existing family above that of a child in need and in crisis. I want to help her. I want to make a POSITIVE impact on her life. But I am not sure that I can without damaging what I already have as well as dismantling our actual goal of finding someone to PERMANENTLY add to our family. As mercenary as it sounds, the longer she is her, the longer we have to put off our search for someone who needs a forever family. And lets not forget my little one. She needs time away from her sister, she really does. Once again, I will not tattle, but they need some distance.

So I guess I will be calling the workers again this week and weighing our options. The problem is, I am not sure how I will live with myself if I give up....... now who is being overly dramatic.

Sigh.......................................................................