Reality Check

So I pretty much whined my way thru yesterday's blog. Just so you know, while I am apologizing for that, I will not invalidate my own feelings by saying I was out of line.

HOWEVER, Had a meeting today at school about Little Darling and trying to get her on a more academically stable footing. Bio-Mom was conference called in on it. (Yes, one must remember that if I have to ask her permission to get bangs cut, you KNOW that she has to be in on these meetings.) And while I really can not and will not get into the specifics of Little Darlings history, I will say this; Shit. I really have to remember to take about 10 steps back and look at the whole picture before pulling out my hair.

This does not mean that I will excuse bad behavior or not hold her accountable; that would only damage her further. However, I will remember that I need to measure the steps forward, not the steps back as one day, if we keep at it, they might start to even out.

So my lesson for all of us today is this; hug your kids, don't worry about when they roll their eyes at you, and remember that on your worst mom day, you are still dong a great job.

Deep, cleansing breath................

I knew that foster parenting would be difficult; that is would test me, my family, my relationships. I knew this probably better than most would suspect. I am a step mother to a son I have had full charge of since he was 9 and his mother started with her own bad choices. I have a beloved niece who lived with us her senior year in high school who went thru some really tough times and just didn’t feel like she had a place to belong. I understand the torn loyalties of children who are happy in the normal chaos that is my family life and the parents that they love. It is not the first time that I have experienced the “but my mom let’s me” moments in which I have to bite my tongue but really want to scream out, if they are so great, then why are you here. It is not the first time that I have had to comfort when the other adult in their lives have disappointed. It is not the first time I have fought battles in my home. But this time I feel that it is just not going to matter. Little Darling is not going to allow herself to be happy. It is a wall that I keep butting my head against praying that I chip a little off of, but I am only seeing my own black eyes and cuts and bruises....... on myself and those around me.

I know that I am handling this whole thing wrong. I have told myself to not take words personally. I am aware that she is self sabotaging. I understand all that. I just don’t know that I have the wherewithal to look past it. And as self pitting as this sounds (and yes I am aware that I sound like I am whining) I am really disappointed in myself that I am have such difficulties with it. I know this about myself; I am a nurturer, a fixer, I try to learn from my mistakes, a person who avoids conflict. Little Darling is concerned about herself, does not go out of her way to show empathy or sympathy, uses her life experiences as an excuse and is ALL ABOUT conflict. She goes out of her way to be disagreeable. It is not like it is all bad, but after 2 months, I was hoping that there would be a little ray of hope, nothing big, just a sign that things could be better.

We were asked a couple weeks ago, if the girls came up for adoption, (which they probably would not) would we take them and the sad answer was Little Pixie, yes, Little Darling, we just don’t know. And just so you know, that means that we would not get either of them. It is a two for one package deal. But the most interesting part of that conversation was that the case worker didn’t think Little Darling would even want to be adopted; she was to attached her her parents and by the time the adoption would come about, she would be old enough to chose not to be adopted. Which goes to not winning a war I am shedding tears and blood in. Listen, I know that she is young, I know that she is angry, I know she is confused, I know that I need to be the bigger person and adult. However it is hard to be the bigger person when you keep getting cut off at the knees.

Not to worry though, in the meantime, I will continue to draw up battle plans and try and outwit my opponent. It think I can, I think I can, I think I can............